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We will die.

Everything we know will end. "That's a very fatalistic point of view," someone tells me. "Yes it's downright negative and depressing," agrees another. But these are just my thoughts.

I lied the other day. No real reason to, and no ideas why. Speaking to an old friend meaning nothing. We talked of the smallness of conversation and everything in between. Eyes narrowed and weird glances that I shouldn't bother, but thoughts of guilt and shame do linger, and hard to rid of.

I watched a friend remove an oil stain from his shirt with club soda, I tried it to cleanse my soul, only I added scotch. No real luck though, just insecurity. People pretend that thoughts and perceptions of others make no difference to them, but we are all actors now aren't we? Waiting on cues, shifting into different mannerisms, tone and vocabularies. One world, fully globalized and everyone's online. I am the showman, pleasing to any audience, transforming masks behind masks, and a talent so good I scare myself. But difficult when your own perception of yourself revolves around what you think others see.

Psychologists call that the looking glass self theory of development. A Buddhist friend calls that bullshit. As a Christian, I've held onto the road to heaven, saving my soul with guilt from eternity in a damned Dante ringed place. Follow the Buddha, and he'd tell you that this a reality with clouds. There is no soul, no self. Regardless, I think, why does a white lie bother me? The answer is because I got caught. Everyone is in public relations, advertising themselves and everything must go in a life long sale. We are the showcase and always looking for what's best for number one. Every good deed has a self-cantered aspect to it, so what about the bad, the selfish and irresponsible? Those moments that keep us up at night, angering us with regret years later when there's just too much to forget... I'm tired and my marketing team just quit. Years were spent building to a point, and I'd rather be where I started. Jesus and Buddha might not have agreed on most things, but they both went away for a time to be alone, to renounce the world they lived in. I don't see anything wrong with that.

People push, talk for the sake of voices to be heard, and I'd rather be in bed, figuring out just what it is. Celebrities thank stylists and we identify, filling our own emptiness with a desire for their likeness, and a spot on the home shopping network. It is hard to cleanse a soul if you don't know anything about it...but then again it might not exist after all.

So tired, I stayed home for a week, called work to be sick, avoided classrooms and time I spent some time alone. Phone like the plague and forgot all about human contact. Sleep eyed one day, the door rang and in came Dr. Eliot. Often, to make empty tiny moments seem meaningful I envision them being played out on a stage somewhere.

Here then, is the dialogue from that production.

Mas: "Can I help you?"

Dr: Eliot: "Yes. I'm Dr. Eliot..."

Mas: "I was in bed, who can I do for you?"

Dr: Eliot: "Your mother sent for me, she is quite worried about you. May I come in?"

Mas: "Yeah. I guess. As long as you don't do anything...what's with the bag?"

Dr: Eliot: "Just some things I'll need for the check up. May I look in your ear?"

Mas: "I'm pretty sure you won't find anything."

Dr: Eliot: "I just want to give you a check up..."

Mas: "I understand that, but couldn't you just check me up from the other side of the room?"

Dr: Eliot: "That would be making my job rather difficult, I have to report something you know."

Mas: "I thought you were a doctor?"

Dr: Eliot: "I am."

Mas: "Then why do you have to report anything?"

Dr: Eliot: "Ok so what's been bothering you?"

Mas: "Nothing really, I just decided that I don't want to do anything anymore."

Dr: Eliot: "And so you've stayed in your house for a week?"

Mas: "Yup I guess that's about right."

Dr: Eliot: "Any reason?"

Mas: "No not really."

Dr: Eliot: "I see. Have you thought about possibly seeing a psychologist?"

Mas: "No.Nothing they would tell me I couldn't say myself."

Dr: Eliot: "Well maybe you should go for a walk then, you know, get some air, some exercise."

Mas: "Why? To hear and see loud streets and buildings under construction and bird crap?"

Dr: Eliot: "Ok. Well maybe if you went to work you'd feel better."

Mas: "Please. So I can go through the motions and pretend to like people I barely stand..."

Dr: Eliot: "School perhaps?"

Mas: "Huh, fake."

Dr: Eliot: "Well it seems to me you're just avoiding things."

Mas: "Wow, I have to say I'm impressed with you doc."

Dr: Eliot: "How about going to church, being neighbourly?"

Mas: "I tried that once, I ended up just making fun of people around me. Besides I'd like to do things that I actually believe in.we are in the cynical age now you know?"

Dr: Eliot: "Where did you hear that?"

Mas: "Oh I don't know, the Internet I guess."

Dr: Eliot: "Well how do you propose sitting on your couch avoiding life has any meaning?"

Mas: "Oh I don't. I'm just waiting I guess."

Dr: Eliot: "I don't understand."

Mas: "There doesn't seem to be much reason to for doing the things I'm expected to do, and I'm just waiting until I can figure it out."

Dr: Eliot: "So you're searching for truth from your couch."

Mas: "Yes. I get so."

Dr: Eliot: "It seems unlikely to me that you'd find anything."

Mas: "That's not what Oprah said..."

Dr: Eliot: "Excuse me?"

Mas: "You know, Oprah Winfrey...I'm starting to think she's a Guru for some kind of housewife cult. She's like a rash for your brain."

Dr: Eliot: "I think I'm starting to lose your point here..."

Mas: "I'm tired of just doing things because I have to."

Dr: Eliot: "You want to satisfy your soul?"

Mas: "I guess, but I've heard that they don't even exist."

Dr: Eliot: "Who told you that?"

Mas: "A Buddhist."

Dr: Eliot: "Well is that what you believe?"

Mas: "I don't know but seven percent of the world's population must know something."

Dr: Eliot: "I'm afraid this might be a little past my expertise."

Mas: "Yeah, no prosthetics for lost souls huh?"

Dr: Eliot: "Couldn't I just give you a quick check up, I mean your mother is paying quite a bit of money for this, and I don't really do house calls.just something quick so I could finish my job."

Mas: "I don't know doc."

Dr: Eliot: "Sometimes, you know, you have to go through the motions...that's what life is. Nobody's soul is satisfied.everyone has to suffer and struggle along sometimes even when it's hard."

Mas: "Well then why are we living with all this deadly sins and all of that talk. If we are all imperfect creatures in the image of an all vengeful powerful God, and our souls don't even exist just what the hell are we doing here?"

Dr: Eliot: "I really don't know. Why don't you just open your mouth and say 'Ahh'?"

Mas: "You think that would help?"

Dr: Eliot: "No not really, but I do have other appointments today and I don't plan on cancelling them."

Mas: "Alright I guess, but could we just wait until Oprah is finished?"

Mas Ifloic


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