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Dear Pepper,

         I recently moved into a new flat and have discovered that my roommate is a Frenchman. He was in fact what you'd call a "closet" Frenchman, that is to say he never told me. Anyway, now I want to know how to handle living with someone who eats turkey sandwiches in bed for breakfast, and actually enjoys Egg and Mayo as a combination...I don't know what to do cuz the flat is cool. Please help me.

Regards Henri

Dear Henri,

        It seems to me that you're screwed. As the great French writer and philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre once said, "How do you like dem nuts?" If you don't enjoy them fuck off, and leave that retard alone. If you do, swallow down hard and ask for more.

Yours Pepper


Dear Dr.Pepper,
    Ever since I lost weight, (120 pounds) I have terrible, I'm embarrassed to say, F-L-A-T-U-L-E-N-C-E problems. I try and mask them , by quickly leaving the area I've contaminated but nothing seems to be working. What should I do, help me, my boyfriend has threatened to leave me because he says I smell like hog guts, What can I do?

thanx dr. pepper

Dear F-L-A-T-U-L-E-N-C-E,
    Ok, so as I understand it, F-L-A-T-U-L-E-N-C-E is a problem for you, a little embarrassing, well you're not alone. The Dr. has been known to let a few of them go only to have people think: " something must of crawled up the DR's ass and died!".

Here is what I suggest:   

First if nature calls...pick up the phone, use public bathrooms, just get it out of your system, don't hold it in.   

Second don't wear clothes that can put pressure on your stomach.   

Finally if it does happen that you have to break wind be the first to admit it. Not that it will help but really this is not a problem you just have to learn when to go and dump. Now unfortunately as a girl it is not very feminine but what the hey! Anyone that can lose friends because of flatulence has got to have a pretty smelly arse, and I'm sure one day you'll find someone who will appreciate that in a woman.(Then again maybe not).


Dear Dr.Pepper,
    I am dealing with a serious situation my girlfriend likes to watch what I consider terrible T.V. (Beverly Hills, Dawson's Creek etc.) well now she is talking about moving in and that means I would have to watch them with her. What do I do?

Stuck Like Chuck

Dear stuck,
    First if your thinking of telling her not to move in; wrong move women are great, plus they can help with any work that needs to get done leaving you with more time to chillax. So how do you get around the bad shows easy one she will most likely bring her T.V. with her, so you make up an excuse and go to the room with the other T.V. if your shows are on at the same time. You could also run errands while the shows are on explaining to her you want to go get her something at the pharmacy. Then when you get back its your time to chillax. Finally you'll probably have to watch a few episodes with her in this case the best idea is to tease her that way two outcomes are possible. One: you get action(terrific). Two: she gets so annoyed that she refuses for you to watch the show with her and bingo you're in the clear.


Dear Dr.Pepper,
     I am in quite a predicament. You see I have lost my remote and I don't know whether to continue looking for it or get up and change the channel. What should I do?

In a Dilemma

Dear Dilemma,
    This is an easy answer that I found a solution to a few years back when faced with similar problem. You see my remote broke a little while ago so I had to decide whether to go out and get a universal remote and reprogram it or live without the remote. Well stopped watching T.V. at home and went straight to a friends house and I chillax there using his T.V. and remote. I suggest you do the same and mention the lost remote to someone else in the house and get them to find it.


Dear Pepper,
    I am a full time student and I work thirty hours a week at a leather upholstery company. I have been seeing this girl for about a year and she's always nagging me about spending more time with he, but I don't know how to do this with my schedule. I really need to chillax, please help.

Lucked Out,
Roseto California

Dear Lucked Out,
    Ask this girl if she loves you. If she does, immediately quit work and school. Sit around all day bitching and complaining about the lack of time she puts in giving you blow jobs. If she tells you she doesn't love you then kick her out. No one is worth ruining perfectly good chillax time. You work hard, and you should be able to chillax hard.


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